Afterthoughts
by Dorka
Summary: Conversation between Elizabeth and John after Critical Mass


Title: Afterthoughts

Spoiler: Right after „Critical Mass"

Pairings: Sheppard and Weir (Friendship)

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of it's character!

Authors note: Very special thanks to LurkerLa, my beta reader ;-)

''''''

Elizabeth was standing on the balcony. She didn't want anyone to disturb her. There were too many things she had to think about. It was a cold night and she was standing there with only her black blouse, but it somehow didn't disturb her. She felt cold, but cold from inside not because of the weather.

Elizabeth couldn't believe she had changed so much in the time she had been on Atlantis. Today she had done something she fought against her whole life, and that concerned her, more than anything before.

A moment later the balcony doors opened and John stepped through.

"Hey, I searched the whole city for you!"

"Has anything happened?" she asked, worried.

"Relax! I just wanted to see how you're doing." He stepped closer to take a look to the stars above them.

"I'm fine!"

"I'm not sure about that." he looked in her eyes to reassure her that it's okay being not.

"John…"

"No Elizabeth, you should have someone to talk to about it, and since you won't talk to Dr. Heightmeyer, I want you to talk to me."

She swallowed. "I can deal with it"

"Yes you can deal with it in this second and maybe also for the next few days, and when the next thing like this happens, you will collapse, in front of everyone else. That's exactly what you fear. Showing weakness. I know that!"

Elizabeth was speechless. She looked horrified at John.

"I… it's…it's only that I know I made a big mistake today. I did exactly what Kavanagh was accusing me of doing!"

"What did he say?" John was angry at this Kavanagh guy. He didn't know him well, but all he heard about him wasn't good. He even heard about the argument between him and Elizabeth while he and his team were stuck with the Jumper.

"He said I'm letting myself be too much influenced by my feelings when it comes to my decisions as the leader of Atlantis. And that's exactly what I did today. I would've let Ronon torture him even if he was innocent. I'm not sure anymore if it wasn't only because I really hate this guy!"

John's gaze went serious.

"No, you did exactly what you had to do! You had no choice. You know when it is time to make the difficult decisions!"

"But I would have been wrong, right?"

John didn't know what to say to this. He was a military man and maybe much more used to such things than Elizabeth was.

"It's not only that it was wrong" she continued. "Today I ordered something I was fighting against my whole life. That's why I wanted to be a diplomat, to do things with talking rather than violence. I was one of the most disliked persons by the US military organization, because I didn't agree with them. Now…now I'm ordering exactly I was strictly against not long ago." She didn't know if she really wanted to tell this to John. She wanted to keep her walls up, let no one know that she couldn't sleep sometimes after they get out of a hopeless situation yet again.

John could understand her, more than she thought. "You know, when I shot Sumner I felt similar. I'd done something against my ideals. Not only that I left someone behind; I even killed him. But if I had tried to save him, maybe the Wraith would have killed me too, and the others couldn't have escaped. We don't forget these things, but we have to deal with them, even if it's difficult, and tell ourselves that it was the only thing that we could have done!"

"How did you phrase it? The burden of leadership, I guess" she said with a small smile on her lips.

John was happy to see her smile again. He stepped closer and laid his arms on her shoulder to draw her closer into a hug. Elizabeth was more than surprised, but his warm body was too inviting to refuse the contact.

"You're as cold as an icicle."

"I know, but I'm getting warmer right now" she mumbled and huddled closer to him.

He stroked her back. He needed to get her sleeping somehow. The next day wouldn't be easy; they had to report to the SGC. "What do you think about camping?"

"Camping? Why are you asking?"

"I just had an idea." He smirked.

"I never camped, so I don't know anything about it."

John took off his jacket and laid it on her shoulders.

"I'll be back in two minutes. Wait here!"

Elizabeth was irritated, but she stayed. She wondered how John managed to better her mood in only a few minutes. She still wasn't that sure if she had done the right thing, but she knew that she had the support of John, and that made her feel calmer.

The door opened again and John stood there with two sleeping bags and a lot of blankets.

"We'll camp! It's a beautiful night with the stars. We can't miss that, can we?"

Elizabeth just shook her head with a big grin on her face. While John started to roll out and arrange the bags.

"May I escort you, my Lady" he said playfully and took her hand. They both lay down and snuggled under the blanket.

"You're right, the stars are beautiful! Thank you John, for cheering me up."

"You're welcome. Now go to sleep!" He took her hand into his and closed his eyes.

Elizabeth looked at John. In this moment, she realized that she cared about him, more than she thought she ever would. He was the person she talked to, really talked to. Not only the usual leader to expedition-member talk. She watched him a little longer, then her eyes closed and she fell asleep.

The End


End file.
